Blessed And Unprepared

           God realizes I’m not adequately prepared for this. He knows that. He knows that fatherhood is not unlike a book I’ve been assigned to read, a book with thousands of pages and I’m ten minutes from the exam having not separated the front cover from the first page. He knows there is no possible way I can cram into my cranium the necessary information that I will require in the mere months, mere WEEKS, that remain until the twins arrive. (Author’s note: I would ask that each of you take a solemn vow this second to NEVER let it slip to my wife nor to her back that I described the remaining days of her pregnancy as “mere”) Yes, God knows that I am ill prepared because though omnipotent and incompetent could feasibly coexist in the chorus of a country song, only one is a fitting description of my preparedness on the subject of fatherhood and that is the latter.
           But God has looked down on me with pity, to which I’m quite grateful as that is surely the only chance I’ve got. As it is that He and I both know and understand the impossibility of adequately preparing for my sons in the time that remains, He has given me a sort of Cliff Notes in the form of an 11 year old Step-Daughter and a 6 year old Step-Son.
           Sydney and Elliott.
           These two have taken it upon themselves, without any form of persuasion, to provide me with a preview of what raising the twins and parenthood will entail, and following the lead of their compassion and selflessness, I have decided to share some of their pearls of wisdom:

           Elliott: “Mom, remember when you said that I was an angel before
           I was in your belly?”
           Leona: “Yes”
           Elliott: “That means I’ve seen God.”
           Leona: “It does?”
           Elliott: “Yep. I even know what God looks like.”
           Leona: “You do? What does he look like?”
           Elliott: (pauses) You know, Mom, that was a LONG time ago…”


           (Sydney had been asking Leona to feel the babies when they are
           moving around)
           Leona: “Sydney, come here!”
           Sydney: “Where? Right here?”
           Leona: “Yep…Hold on….oooh! Did you feel that?”
           Sydney: (Makes a face as if she had just bitten into a lemon)
           “eeeeeewwwwwwwww!”

           Elliott: “I don’t ever tell lies”
           Leona: "Well, you sure have told me some fibs lately"
           Elliott: “Uhn-uh!! When?
           Leona: (Talking like Elliott) “Yes, Mom, my room is clean!”
           Elliott: (pauses) That’s not fibbing, that’s just me being confused.”



           Elliott: “McTastic 4” (I love this in any context. It’s what he calls
           the Fantastic 4 and it kills me.)


           Elliott: “Sydney called me a name!”
           Sydney: “No I didn’t, you little snot!”


           Elliott asked my Mother for a glass of water and she took the glass
           down but hadn’t put any water in it when he picked it up and
           looked in it. He stuck his finger in the glass, swirled it
           around and then gave her a puzzled look and said “Did you think
           there was water in there?”


           Elliott talking about one of his classmates: “He likes to dress up
           like Wonder Woman and he plays with barbies and he
           likes rainbows”(Nothing in his tone at this point even hints that he
           thinks any of these things are unusual in the least, but
           then he suddenly scrunches his nose and looks appalled) “But you
           wanna know what else? He likes GIRLS!!!”


           Sydney: “Paul McCartney is so hot.”
           Me: “Have you seen a picture of him lately? He’s old.”
           Sydney: “I don’t look at those pictures.”


           Elliott: “You look like Spongebob”
           Me: “Why in the world do I look like Spongebob?”
           Elliott: “Because he’s Yellow, and can I have some root beer?”


           Elliott talking about Charlie (Sydney’s dog who recently died): “Do
           you think Charlie is up in heaven and when he poops God and the
           Angels step in it?”


           Yep, I am most definitely ill prepared for this test. But I am enjoying the Cliff notes to a degree that cannot be expressed with mere words. I am content with the realization that I will never be fully prepared for fatherhood but I am ever so thankful for the opportunity and the blessing. I am also extraordinarily thankful for the opportunity to experience this blessing with such an amazing and wonderful wife. In many ways she will be my eyes and ears on this journey and God couldn’t have put me in better hands.
I’ll leave you with these words of encouragement, inspired by my Step-Children:
           Though sometimes in life we may feel like SpongeBob, take solace in this: God is with us even though we don’t remember what he looks like and with him the glass is always full even though we thought there was water in it and there wasn’t. And though parenthood may leave us with wrinkles and gray hairs, we will choose not to look at those pictures of ourselves but instead at the ones where we look like superheroes, as if we were members of the McTastic 4. So have a root beer and relax, because God loves us all, no matter who we dress like or what toys we play with because God knows he doesn’t make mistakes, he never lies and is never confused.
           And in case you were wondering, he never steps in poop either.